Sunday, July 26, 2009 8:39 PM
I don't know what to say anymore.
To anyone.
Not to say that I am incapable of speaking,
but often I find myself choosing not to.
You apologize and say, "I'm sorry, you don't have to cry over me."
"Stop, Joyce, I hate to hear you cry."
"I'm just an asshole, I don't know why you put up with me."
Me either.
I don't know why.
And fuck it, I don't want to put up with it.
But I do?
I put up with the shit I get from people I call my 'friends'.
But at the same time, I openly tell people that I dislike most of my friends.
I have alone issues.
I feel the need to have a lot of friends, and I do.
I have a lot.
A lot.
Of friends.
Literally hundreds of people who would say I was their friend.
But do you know how often those people ask me someplace with them?
Not often at all.
I don't want to be alone,
so I open up to these people, hoping they'll want to be around me.
They do but,
not that much.
I shouldn't take it personally,
I can't be liked by everyone.
But I can sure damn try.
My 'best friends'?
I have two true best friends,
the first I will love until I die.
Whether or not things work out,
but I am 100% that they will,
I will still love him.
My second is my cat,
she has been there for me since I was four years old.
I come into the basement and she runs to greet me,
gladly following behind me.
I sit down, she's eager to sit on my lap,
and I love her, and I pet her.
But when I stop,
she leaves.
Is that how it is with my 'friends'?
They want me to 'pet' them,
but when I stop,
they'll leave?
I can't even trust the people that call themselves my parents.
What sort of parents lie and try to blackmail their children?
It's horrible, and not at all exaggerated,
although I so wish it were.
I don't want things to be like this.
To anyone.
Not to say that I am incapable of speaking,
but often I find myself choosing not to.
You apologize and say, "I'm sorry, you don't have to cry over me."
"Stop, Joyce, I hate to hear you cry."
"I'm just an asshole, I don't know why you put up with me."
Me either.
I don't know why.
And fuck it, I don't want to put up with it.
But I do?
I put up with the shit I get from people I call my 'friends'.
But at the same time, I openly tell people that I dislike most of my friends.
I have alone issues.
I feel the need to have a lot of friends, and I do.
I have a lot.
A lot.
Of friends.
Literally hundreds of people who would say I was their friend.
But do you know how often those people ask me someplace with them?
Not often at all.
I don't want to be alone,
so I open up to these people, hoping they'll want to be around me.
They do but,
not that much.
I shouldn't take it personally,
I can't be liked by everyone.
But I can sure damn try.
My 'best friends'?
I have two true best friends,
the first I will love until I die.
Whether or not things work out,
but I am 100% that they will,
I will still love him.
My second is my cat,
she has been there for me since I was four years old.
I come into the basement and she runs to greet me,
gladly following behind me.
I sit down, she's eager to sit on my lap,
and I love her, and I pet her.
But when I stop,
she leaves.
Is that how it is with my 'friends'?
They want me to 'pet' them,
but when I stop,
they'll leave?
I can't even trust the people that call themselves my parents.
What sort of parents lie and try to blackmail their children?
It's horrible, and not at all exaggerated,
although I so wish it were.
I don't want things to be like this.